Miss Advice

Jane Doe Wannabe

2011-08-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

Jane Doe Wannabe Asks:

I am so sick of being called Mom, Mommy, Mama and Babe. Seriously, those words always preface something involving a whine or a needy comment. Sometimes hearing those words makes me want to pull out a hand gun and shoot everyone in the face.

Answer:

There are only 3 things in life that are certain: death, taxes and being annoyed. Some of us are fortunate enough to live in a bomb shelter under the ground with no communication with the outside world. Now, I am one of these people. You could also be one of these people, just not with me. Unless you are able to sneak out and never come back, you are going to have to suffer... and suffer you shall! Everyone expects you to wipe their a$$ and when it isn't actually a baby, it gets reaaaaallll annoying. Good luck to you... or good luck finding a quick way to end your life!

Miss Advice

Picky Prude

2010-10-28T15:37:00.001-07:00

Picky Prude asks:

I've been seeing this guy and it really bothers me that he doesn't use a flat sheet on his bed- only a comforter. Should I say something? I mean, I grew up that it was fitted sheet, flat sheet, thin blanket, comforter. What should I do?

Answer:

I am completely and utterly amazed that you could find a guy that wants to show you his bed. It sounds to me like you are a bit on the frigid side. Nonetheless, guys that live alone do not know proper bed making etiquette. They were all clearly raised in barns. Just be glad he doesn't sleep on a BARE mattress. Now that's just freakin' nasty. Namaste!

Miss Advice

The Other Other Woman

2010-06-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

The Other Other Woman asks:

Does your significant other have a 'work spouse'? If so how the hell do you handle it? Would you even allow it?

Answer:

(imagine this being performed by Mo'Nique circa her Oscar award winning portrayal of Precious' mother in the movie: Precious based on the novel Push by Sapphire)

Oh no she isn't!!! You lettin' some hussy move in on yo man! You need a go down to that office and snatch tha motha ******* weave off that ******* head cause she is tryna steal yo man! I would NOT allow some rat-faced girl to eye MY MAN. Do NOT allow that or they gonna be makin' you look tha fool!

Smack him upside the head for even playin' that wich you. He only got ONE wife and that piece a paper has YOUR name on it!

Your frin,

Miss Advice

Weedy Wife

2010-05-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

Weedy Wife asks:

Dear Miss Advice,

Since my husband lost his job last year, we have been struggling to get by. His friend, a questionable character, has offered him a job selling pot. I'm worried that he will get mixed up with the wrong crowd, and that our family might eventually be put in harms way if a deal goes bad. What should I do? Should I put my foot down and say he shouldn't sell? We could use the money, but I'm not sure that the risks are worth it.

Yours truly,

Weedy Wife

Answer:

Think of it this way, it could be meth. And no one wants their house to blow up. I applaud your husband's willingness to provide for his family. He really seems to care about you guys and your well being. I hope he's a good salesman. Was his last job in the used car business? Tell him to google "pusher" and make sure he knows the best way to get his product out there. I suggest loitering outside of middle schools and high schools. He might also start up a cover business with a secret code for his pot.

Anyway, good luck to him- and to you- broken kneecaps can be quite painful and take awhile to heal.

Bad Friend

2010-04-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Bad Friend asks:

My husband talks badly about my friend all the time and tries to make me think I can't trust her. What should I do? Should I pick my husband?

Answer:

Of course pick your husband! Women are completely subservient and should be dominated by men in every way shape and form. Who needs friends when you have a man in your life? Men are rocks, they are stability, they can do no wrong. So, absolutely tell your husband he is wonderful for suggesting such things about your friend and then get barefoot and pregnant and cook a feast for him!

Awesome Friend

2010-02-16T07:20:00.000-08:00

Awesome friend asks:

My friend's boyfriend made an inappropriate comment to me on Facebook. Should I unfriend him?

Answer:

I would love to know what this inappropriate comment was! Was he hitting on you? Did he tell you off? These things make a difference.

Either way, the solution is simple. Get his phone number and ask him to meet you for drinks sometime. If he agrees, flirt with him, convince him to sleep with you and video tape it. Do this repeatedly for about 6 months and then provide all the videotapes to said friend. She will greatly appreciate how much effort you put into proving to her how unworthy he is and you will quickly become her BEST friend.

Hey, you might want to go ahead and post these videos on the internet just so that he is exposed for being a slimeball. I'm sure no one will think badly of you.

Miss Advice

Desperately Seeking Something

2009-10-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

Desperately Seeking Something asks:

I was invited to a Halloween party and can not think of anything to wear! I don't want to look like a dork and just throw on a white sheet. What do you suggest?

Answer:

My mom always said "be yourself." Okay, YOUR mom probably said that, my mom just said, "conform, conform or everyone will hate you." Anyway, assuming your mom told you to be yourself, why not do that?

And you could just be yourself... but in corpse form. Make yourself look like you've recently been murdered. In order to make this realistic, why not ask a friend to stab you repeatedly in the kidney? You would then be naturally drained of color and not have to wear white face paint. Once you get to the party, feel free to lie down on the floor and let the blood pool. If someone asks if you're okay, don't respond. You can't go out of character.

You'll be the life of the party! You're welcome!

Miss Advice

Jaded Student

2009-09-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

Jaded student asks:

I have a fellow student in my class that doesn't do any of the required readings, but still gets the same grades as I do. I don't think this is fair! What can I do?

Answer:

The first thing you can do is build a bridge. The second thing you can do is get over it. The third thing you can do is take notes because at the end of the day if you are walking away with the same grade, your fellow student has spent their time watching reruns of Saved by the Bell while you poured over some lame textbook. Do you know what song Jessie was singing when she broke down and realized she was addicted to caffeine pills and needed help? If the answer to this is no, you have no life and severely need to get one!

I'm so excited... I'm so excited... I'm so.... scared... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Surprisingly Insightful Child

2009-08-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly Insightful Child asks (via his mother):

Does God lose his teeth?

Answer:

What an interesting question! I asked God because for once, I didn't know the answer. He told me that the only time he loses his teeth is when the devil tempts him to eat Laffy Taffy. That is his one weakness. Otherwise, God is a big advocate of oral hygiene. He brushes his teeth 3 times a day with an Oral B electronic toothbrush. Plus, little known fact is that the reason he was mad at Adam & Eve for eating the apple from the forbidden tree is that those were HIS apples! God's mommy told him that an apple a day keeps the dentist away and so he did not want to share his apples. God avoids doctors and dentists like the plague.

Now, thanks to Johnny Appleseed, there are apple trees everywhere, so God doesn't mind sharing.

Miss Advice

Six Year Old Boy

2009-08-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

Six year old boy asks:

Where do babies come from?

Answer:

That is a very good question! There's this rumor going around that babies are made from men and women "hooking up" and some ridiculous egg and sperm mumbo jumbo, but that is a total myth!

Anyone who has half a brain knows that babies are made in a woman's tummy after she drinks too many margaritas. There is some chemical compound in the alcohol used for margaritas that once it hits a woman's stomach, the churning and whipping around creates a baby!

You might wonder why this doesn't work on men. First is that men tend to drink beer and not margaritas. So, over time evolution has not made those chemical reactions in men. Occasionally if enough generations of men in your family drink lots of margaritas, a man can get pregnant (google the pregnant man), but it is a rarity because "fruity drinks" are usually not enjoyed by most men.

I've been giving this same answer to people for years and I notice their quizzical looks, but feel pity for their lack of knowledge. My mom told me at a young age that I was conceived after a night of margaritas, so I've had the knowledge for YEARS.

So if you want to prevent pregnancy, don't drink margaritas!

Suspicious Eater

2009-08-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

Suspicious Eater (via email) asks:

"What are hot dogs made of?"

Answer:

That is a very good question! I think this is one of those things that we'll never REALLY know the answer to. But, you are fortunate in that I know what is SOMETIMES in hot dogs.

Ever wonder what happened to Jimmy Hoffa's body? Where did Amelia Earhart go? The government was responsible for their disappearances and they found that the best way to get rid of the bodies was to grind them up and put them in hot dogs. Of course they do not want anyone to know this, but Bill Clinton told me one night in Reno.

Now lately no one like that has gone missing, so I can only assume they are stealing puppies and kittens from people... an occasional horse or boa constrictor to spice things up.

But don't worry, if people eat bull testicles as a delicacy, I'm sure eating hot dogs is no big deal.

Bon appetit! And don't forget... my bologna has a first name, it's o-s-c-a-r...

Miss Advice

Typical Male

2009-08-11T06:33:00.000-07:00

Typical Male (via email) asks:

I cheated on my wife with a coworker. Should I tell her?

Answer:

I'm assuming you're asking should you tell your wife. Because if you have to tell the coworker that you slept with her, your physical prowess comes greatly into question!

Absolutely DO NOT tell your wife. There are so many reasons why you shouldn't, but the major one is that it will be too big of a hassle. She won't trust you, you'll argue, she won't put out for awhile and more importantly, it will make it super hard to have another affair!

Quit being a pansy and also quit being so suspicious. The key to a good extramarital affair is not getting caught. Good luck and have fun banging the next chick! (Try your mother-in-law, that would be wild!)

Miss Advice

Who Am I?

2009-08-09T07:13:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my blog! My name is Miss Advice. The purpose of this site is for you, the general public, to be able to ask moi, an educated smart ass, questions that you have been dying to get the answers to.

Of course, I am no licensed psychiatrist although I am more qualified than Dear Abby. Instead of giving you a good answer that might help you, I fully intend to give you a crazy answer that is meant to illicit a chuckle or two.

If you have a question you would like to see answered, feel free to email me or send me the question on twitter.

The particularly good questions will get to be highlighted on my blog.

Please bear with me as I get the site up, running and completely revamped how I want it. I will begin answering questions immediately, but I will be honing my site for a couple weeks.

And if you like me, share the love and tell your friends! They already hate you, so why not harass them until they bookmark this page and follow me on twitter.

Thanks for visiting!

Miss Advice